left my moleskine in my car so all my thoughts are getting poured out here tonight.
I have bruises on the bottom knuckle of my thumb and the base knuckle of my pointer finger from playing volleyball with a flat ball drunk in the middle of the night last night. a part of me feels like I made a fool of myself. the rest of me is just trying to ignore that part.
today started off so perfectly I can’t even believe it happened.
sometimes I think about how good the sex with bill is but then I think about eric and how he always made me feel wanted afterwards. safe and wanted and secure and appreciated. the dividing line between the two is so small, I love(d) them both and had/have a wonderful sex life with each of them, but that single absence of connection afterwards terrifies me because a part of me is already afraid that he’s just using me - either physically, or simply so that he doesn’t feel alone.
maybe I’m just using him to hide my own loneliness. how do you know? how do any of us ever know?
the new vampire weekend album is pretty much responsible for getting me through my days lately.
really grateful that the weekend is finally here. I want to spend a lot of time with my mother at her art studio for the festival. it’s such a comforting touchstone for me, reminds me of when I was a little girl and unafraid.
I’ve been struggling with my body lately. I wish I was skinnier and in way better shape and I know what to do to make that happen, but I smoke so much these days that cardio kills me so quickly and my inability to push for as long as I think I ‘should’ makes me feel defeated.
I’ve been talking to Jordan a lot lately, even hanging out with him. it’s been great honestly. but I refuse to get too close ever again.
I need to come up with like 2-300 bucks before June 8th so that I won’t be squeezed for money on the trip. still don’t know exactly what to do about that yet. stress. panic.
so much anxiety lately it astonishes me. but I’m still going which is a good sign. I’m trying my best to reaffirm myself every day, remember my own inner strength and bravery.
I think the hydro kicked in because I feel a lot more at peace now.
tomorrow will be a good day. I’m gonna let myself sleep for as long as I need to but then I’m getting up and getting things done. it’ll be good. and it’s friday! hallelujah. it’s been a damn trying week but also a good one and I’m really excited for this weekend. hahaha the hydrocodone has definitely kicked in because I feel so positive now.
thanks for listening tumblr. I’m sure I’ll mind vomit again before the night is out.
took a hydrocodone for the first time in forever because why not but now I feel weirdly shaky and not at peace? so that’s fucking strange but hopefully it passes. wish I had someone to talk to.